GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Christmas is actually aver special day in everywhere. In Kenya it is unique in its own way and do not let anyone convince you that he ghost of Christmas present is a thing we see in movies because it is real and can be seen and felt in Kenya.

This is the time when boutique owners will need to replenish their stocks with all sizes of trending clothes because a family of five kids will walk into the store looking for three similar t-shirts of sizes 3, 12 and 32 for the three brothers and two similar hipster or white dress of sizes 8 and 28 to complete the sisters. And that applies to the shoes and the rasta on their heads. On this day sisters look like a story of their mother growing up, as in they look so alike except for their sizes.

There are troops moving from every part of the country to town. Mostly these are relatives who have just completed CPE and KCSE from pat opuk mixed day and boarding primary and secondary school and they need to at least be in tao for “initiation” by the born tao cousins. Tailors are not spared either, they will be working day and night to complete an order of all types of clothes ranging from kitenge suits so scarves all with the same deadline, the evening of 24^th December.

The market is a no go zone if you hate crowds, chicken and goat vendors are actually making a kill. Prices of tomatoes capsicum, garlic, ginger coriander and onions are double. Lettuce, broccoli and cauliflowers are spared because they are not too common in Kenyan meals. Supermarkets are almost running out of wheat flour and oil and sugar. It is a rather rough time for maize retailers. Nobody even greets them, wait they are not even in their shops they are also possessed by the ghost of Christmas present.

Security is a very sensitive issue. It starts from pubs where drunkards fight over the date when bensouda got married. At homes, hanging clothes at night is totally out of question. There are zombies that hoover around carrying along anything affiliated to celebrations including empty beer bottles, shoes most especially red slippers, goats and chicken.

Where I grew up, if you don’t eat chicken and chapo on Christmas day then doom on you. Nobody cares whether you’ve been eating chapos for the past two weeks straight, as long as on Chrissy your house is not emitting chapo smell, you shall be the topic of discussion and an example of poor management skills and lack of finances. Wearing new clothes is also another entity where certain women have perfected their eyes and tongues. This is the time you realize that people have actually been keen on what you’ve been wearing the entire year, including your shoes. Doom on you once again if you even dare throw a ‘seen’ scarf over your dress. Thou shall be new. If not, then doom on you. Some of them have the courage to ask you point blank if you did not have time to pass by muthurwa to grab a few “essentials”. “Na ndio zilikuwa cheap kwanza stock ya jana”.

In January, the aftermath of the ghost is actually felt. Banks are filled with loan applicants, self-help groups commonly known as chamas are drifting due to interior wars: all the women want an advance. The money is needed critically: school fees, food, rent, electricity and water bills are all looking at you, lugubriously in fact. True desperation is engulfing the country. So better be wise, you either embrace the ghost or ignore it. It is fully your choice.

PERKS OF BEING A KENYAN

PERKS OF BEING A KENYAN

Forgetfulness

Kenyans are the best humans suffering from amnesia. Nothing holds in this country mostly curfews, ‘pop up’ laws and security alerts. Who remembers the famous Michuki laws or better still Mututho laws? Michuki laws were at least as far as I can recall the laws that stood for the longest time. There was a time our roads were pretty with yellow lines on PSVs, seatbelts, speed governors and no excess people. Well, to date we have the yellow lines and seatbelts. The functionality of the belts in some vehicles is quite questionable. You can be a good citizen and fast the belt but unfastening it will be a nightmare and the intervention of the driver and his conductor is needed. In extreme cases, the belt is dismantled. Speed governors, don’t even talk about these. They are present all right but they’ve been ‘chocked’ so you could be driving at 200Km/ph. and it would record a clean 140km/Ph.

Mututho laws really caused a stir in the liquor industry (read mama pimas). The association of drunk persons Ke. Was not very happy with these laws. Residents of Naivasha even threatened their then MP. And told him point blank they’ll ensure he never gets to parliament again. For a month or so, there was sanity in the local bars then all of a sudden, it’s like the law never existed in the first place. And that still holds to date. What happened to Mututho, nobody really knows, the last time anybody heard of him, he was sacked as the NACADA boss, or was he hired again. Nobody really remembers, we are Kenyans, we forgot.

Strike

All Kenyans at one point in their lives have been part of a strike or knows friends who participated in one where they themselves didn’t go because they are allergic to tear gas or such. We are also a strikingly excellent nation when it comes to go slows and strikes. Especially in January, we most often don’t usher the New Year with a lot of tranquility especially in the public sector (refer to my last article on the ghost of Christmas present). It starts with the teachers demanding fulfilment of the promise the government made earlier the previous year. Then almost suddenly, doctors will follow, then nurses then MPs will threaten us. Solidarity forever is the new order of the day. Then as usual, MOUs are signed after hot lengthy discussions with the SRC.

Then some other group will follow. Trust me they will. Maybe the drivers of PSVs, whom I strongly believe will concerning the new cashless system being introduced and imposed by 31^st of December this year, or vendors who are against certain laws, or workers of a certain company. There is always a reason for somebody to go on strike.

Subscribers

I’m not sure whether this is worldwide, but I do know about my country. In the past, there used to be actual one on one remedies to real time issues like a child crying or a creative someone would draft a beautiful Christmas message and it will miraculously circulate to the entire country. God bless whoever invented technology. Nowadays, there are enough messages flashing on our screens giving us certain codes to send to certain numbers. Some are for the most absurd reasons like getting the meaning of your name to some more important ones like getting directions. I appreciate the fact that they are bold enough to tell us that the SMS rates for this particular texts are above normal rates and they are kind enough to also offer an un-subscription path, just in case. The path to unsubscribing though is normally very rough and full of thorns and pebbles which leave Kenyans running to their service providers who receive all bitterness on behalf of the “senders”.

I do not mean to be judgmental or anything but some of these subscriptions that will cost you about 30 shillings every time you try to access them are pretty much free when you have internet access. But here in Kenya, with the beautiful technology such as FAIBA optics lining our country, someone with full internet access will still subscribe to these texts. Not that they really need it so much, but because they are Kenyans, we are Kenyans. All of us have fallen for this at one point in our lives, I know.

So that is just it, being a Kenyan has its own unique perks. We Kenyans are actually born and raised in this ‘traditions’ that we almost never notice we are doing the things we do. But a closer study to the whole thing reveals that there are just certain qualities common to all Kenyans, qualities that define us, the perks of being a Kenyan.